My last blog post was an update on the things that have been going on in our lives. It was pretty factual.
This post has a more emotional slant. I've hesitated about whether I should write it at all, because it is so highly personal in nature and may even touch upon controversial. I never have my husband read my posts before I publish them, but I had him preview and approve this one because of its sensitive content.
Before I get to that, first let me tell you a quick story that I meant to share in the last post, but it was too long as it was. :)
I had mentioned in that last post that we took a trip to Florida over the summer. We had taken several plane trips with Lochlan previously so we already had parts of the routine down as to how to navigate security with all our gear. I love to travel but traveling with a child is a very different experience and I find it really stressful. I wish I could say I handle it well, but I just don't. I am always so thankful when we reach our destination and I can finally relax.
Well, on this flight to Tampa, the three of us were not seated together. Luckily, the passenger in the window seat was kind enough to switch to the row behind, and we were able to get the three seats together. In theory, this trip should have been fairly easy. The flight wasn't particularly long and I had prepared well by packing toys, snacks, books, crayons, and of course-our ace in the hole- an iPad. Our main concern was to keep Lochlan quiet enough that he wouldn't disturb other people. Or so we thought. It turns out the real issue would be kicking. We had brought his carseat onto the plane and from there, he began kicking the seat in front of him. We tried to distract him. We tried holding his legs to restrain him. But we could not get him to stop. I could tell the passenger in front was getting annoyed. Finally, at one point during the flight, he turned around and asked (in a very polite British accent) "Excuse me, could you please tell him to stop kicking the seat?"
I was mortified. I kind of froze up and didn't know what to say. Sachin stepped in with a quick apology and told him we would keep trying.
I can't fault this passenger at all. He was not rude about it. But all I could think was- Gosh, if only it were that EASY! If only I could just solve this problem by talking to Lochlan and simply asking him to stop. This guy has no idea that my son does not comprehend requests like that. That he is very motor-driven and he feels the incessant need to move and have sensory input even while strapped into his seat. And in situations like this, I always wonder whether I should include in our apology an explanation that our son has autism. I mean, shouldn't I give this guy more information, so that he doesn't just sit there thinking I am an awful parent who stands by complacently and lets her kid kick seats? Most people can't tell Lochlan is different from a casual glance so he probably does think I simply let my kid run wild. I wish I didn't care what other people think. But I do.
We run across this in restaurants sometimes as well, where I catch people staring at Lochlan and at us. He usually does pretty well at restaurants, honestly, but he has loud moments of laughter here and there. I see people turn to look at him and I want to say something, but I hold back. I think it is due to fear. Fear that if I tell people he is disabled, they will respond by saying, "Well, lady, if you can't control your kid, maybe you shouldn't be bringing him on an airplane (or out to dinner, or to the grocery store, etc)" And what do I say then? What defense do I have? Are they right? But even if they are, I don't want to live a life where we are forced to stay confined at home. We really want to be able to live as normal a life as we can, not only for our own happiness and well-being, but of course, for Lochlan too. We want him to be exposed to typical experiences so we can practice social skills and just let him have a taste of the life that other kids get to have. We want to approximate normalcy as best we can.
Before I had Lochlan, maybe I, too, was quick to judge parents out in public. Maybe loud kids annoyed me or made me roll my eyes. I really can't remember very well, but it's certainly a possibility. I bring up this story to you because it'd be nice if we could all give parents the benefit of the doubt- if Lochlan had Down's Syndrome or severe cerebral palsy or some other physically apparent disability, it'd be obvious to the world we had a special needs child. But I hope you take away my point that disabilities are not always obvious. Lochlan has changed my perspective, not just about individuals with special needs, but about people in general. Our experiences with him have made me realize that people are sometimes going through struggles that others have no idea about. Compassion is so essential.
(By the way, we wised up on the return flight home and gate checked Lochlan's carseat-- without the added height, his legs were no longer able to reach the seat in front of him. We had a kick-free flight home! Hooray!)
As I write this, we have less than a week left until our baby girl arrives. The nursery is set up, baby gear is assembled, clothes are washed- but are we ready? Ha.
I am so much more nervous this time around than I was with the first delivery. Last time, I skipped blissfully down the golden path to new motherhood. This time, I am stepping cautiously, resolutely placing one anxious foot in front of the other.
Because Lochlan's delivery was difficult and involved a bad case of shoulder dystocia (he was stuck, I pushed for about 3 hours, his oxygen level dropped, it was a train wreck), my doctor said that a c-section was a smart choice for this delivery. I didn't want to attempt a regular delivery and have problems again and end up always regretting that decision- so I've chosen to do the c-section this time around. This is laughable because I am a first-class wuss who can barely pull off a Band-Aid. And, of course, now that the scheduled date is approaching, I am absolutely terrified. I worry not only about the surgery itself, but also about the healing process and the pain everyone tells me about. I can only hope I rise to the occasion and magically morph into a warrior mama when the time comes.
But I have other worries too, ones that no one likes to admit to, but I'm going to break the silence on this and share.
You know, there are a lot of differing opinions out there about expanding your family when you already have a child with special needs. It's a very touchy subject. Some people feel that it takes away your time and resources from your special needs child and they opt not to do it because they don't feel they can give each child what they will need. Other people feel differently and think it's great to have give your special needs child a sibling. Things get hairier when there is a genetic component to the special need. In our case, there is no denying the research that shows that siblings of ASD kids have a higher rate of being on the spectrum. I made the mistake of reading a study and it scared me. Some ASD parents have this decision taken out of their hands because they are already pregnant with their next child by the time their ASD child is diagnosed. They never had to make the decision with full knowledge of the risks. I almost envy them.
We had Lochlan's diagnosis already. But I never at any time thought we would have just one child. We've always said we wanted more than one, so stopping there was just not an option to us. But that doesn't make this any less scary. If you've read my previous blog posts, you should know where I stand on autism and what my perspective is, so I hope it doesn't shock or offend any of you when I say I really hope the autism fairy skips us this time. I am not ashamed to hope for this out loud. And if you care about us, please hope for it too. Does that mean we won't love her and accept her if it turns out she has ASD or some other disability? Let me be clear on that-- OF COURSE NOT! We are awaiting her eagerly and will welcome her with open arms into our lives and hearts no matter what.
But it's fair to say that autism is not the dream we had for Lochlan, and it is not the dream we have for this little one. We are rolling the dice with the decision to have another child (I think everyone does, really), but we look forward to the joy she will bring to our lives. Ultimately, we really believe every child is a blessing and we are so grateful to be getting another family member to love.
At the same time, I also worry about doing right by her. I worry about how we will divide our time, how we will make sure she doesn't grow up feeling sidelined by Lochlan's special needs, how to make sure she has the space, freedom, and opportunity to enjoy her own childhood, how we will try to foster a connection between the two of them, how to help her appreciate and accept her big brother for who he is and to find ways to love him as we do (and yes, I even worry- how am I ever going to manage flying with TWO children?! :)).
While teaching, I had some students over the years who have special needs siblings and these children floored me with their maturity, patience, and kindness- traits I believe they developed at an early age because of having a special needs brother or sister. I very much hope that we can raise our daughter similarly, that she will have strong character in part because of her relationship with Lochlan.
Really, friends, I have no idea what we are getting into, what is about to happen, or how our lives are about to change in a few days. I lie in bed wide awake with all these thoughts, fears, and hopes swimming around my brain. There's no crystal ball, no answers appear to me. I know we will just have to wait and see and take one day at a time.
You can see why I warned you this was a highly personal post! :) I am going to feel nervous hitting that "Publish" button.
I want to end by asking for your prayers- not only for a safe delivery and the health of our little girl, but also (and I hope this isn't selfish) prayers that we will have the strength, grace, and courage to meet whatever challenges we have lying ahead.
Every blog post needs at least one picture. ;)
This post has a more emotional slant. I've hesitated about whether I should write it at all, because it is so highly personal in nature and may even touch upon controversial. I never have my husband read my posts before I publish them, but I had him preview and approve this one because of its sensitive content.
Before I get to that, first let me tell you a quick story that I meant to share in the last post, but it was too long as it was. :)
I had mentioned in that last post that we took a trip to Florida over the summer. We had taken several plane trips with Lochlan previously so we already had parts of the routine down as to how to navigate security with all our gear. I love to travel but traveling with a child is a very different experience and I find it really stressful. I wish I could say I handle it well, but I just don't. I am always so thankful when we reach our destination and I can finally relax.
Well, on this flight to Tampa, the three of us were not seated together. Luckily, the passenger in the window seat was kind enough to switch to the row behind, and we were able to get the three seats together. In theory, this trip should have been fairly easy. The flight wasn't particularly long and I had prepared well by packing toys, snacks, books, crayons, and of course-our ace in the hole- an iPad. Our main concern was to keep Lochlan quiet enough that he wouldn't disturb other people. Or so we thought. It turns out the real issue would be kicking. We had brought his carseat onto the plane and from there, he began kicking the seat in front of him. We tried to distract him. We tried holding his legs to restrain him. But we could not get him to stop. I could tell the passenger in front was getting annoyed. Finally, at one point during the flight, he turned around and asked (in a very polite British accent) "Excuse me, could you please tell him to stop kicking the seat?"
I was mortified. I kind of froze up and didn't know what to say. Sachin stepped in with a quick apology and told him we would keep trying.
I can't fault this passenger at all. He was not rude about it. But all I could think was- Gosh, if only it were that EASY! If only I could just solve this problem by talking to Lochlan and simply asking him to stop. This guy has no idea that my son does not comprehend requests like that. That he is very motor-driven and he feels the incessant need to move and have sensory input even while strapped into his seat. And in situations like this, I always wonder whether I should include in our apology an explanation that our son has autism. I mean, shouldn't I give this guy more information, so that he doesn't just sit there thinking I am an awful parent who stands by complacently and lets her kid kick seats? Most people can't tell Lochlan is different from a casual glance so he probably does think I simply let my kid run wild. I wish I didn't care what other people think. But I do.
We run across this in restaurants sometimes as well, where I catch people staring at Lochlan and at us. He usually does pretty well at restaurants, honestly, but he has loud moments of laughter here and there. I see people turn to look at him and I want to say something, but I hold back. I think it is due to fear. Fear that if I tell people he is disabled, they will respond by saying, "Well, lady, if you can't control your kid, maybe you shouldn't be bringing him on an airplane (or out to dinner, or to the grocery store, etc)" And what do I say then? What defense do I have? Are they right? But even if they are, I don't want to live a life where we are forced to stay confined at home. We really want to be able to live as normal a life as we can, not only for our own happiness and well-being, but of course, for Lochlan too. We want him to be exposed to typical experiences so we can practice social skills and just let him have a taste of the life that other kids get to have. We want to approximate normalcy as best we can.
Before I had Lochlan, maybe I, too, was quick to judge parents out in public. Maybe loud kids annoyed me or made me roll my eyes. I really can't remember very well, but it's certainly a possibility. I bring up this story to you because it'd be nice if we could all give parents the benefit of the doubt- if Lochlan had Down's Syndrome or severe cerebral palsy or some other physically apparent disability, it'd be obvious to the world we had a special needs child. But I hope you take away my point that disabilities are not always obvious. Lochlan has changed my perspective, not just about individuals with special needs, but about people in general. Our experiences with him have made me realize that people are sometimes going through struggles that others have no idea about. Compassion is so essential.
(By the way, we wised up on the return flight home and gate checked Lochlan's carseat-- without the added height, his legs were no longer able to reach the seat in front of him. We had a kick-free flight home! Hooray!)
As I write this, we have less than a week left until our baby girl arrives. The nursery is set up, baby gear is assembled, clothes are washed- but are we ready? Ha.
I am so much more nervous this time around than I was with the first delivery. Last time, I skipped blissfully down the golden path to new motherhood. This time, I am stepping cautiously, resolutely placing one anxious foot in front of the other.
Because Lochlan's delivery was difficult and involved a bad case of shoulder dystocia (he was stuck, I pushed for about 3 hours, his oxygen level dropped, it was a train wreck), my doctor said that a c-section was a smart choice for this delivery. I didn't want to attempt a regular delivery and have problems again and end up always regretting that decision- so I've chosen to do the c-section this time around. This is laughable because I am a first-class wuss who can barely pull off a Band-Aid. And, of course, now that the scheduled date is approaching, I am absolutely terrified. I worry not only about the surgery itself, but also about the healing process and the pain everyone tells me about. I can only hope I rise to the occasion and magically morph into a warrior mama when the time comes.
But I have other worries too, ones that no one likes to admit to, but I'm going to break the silence on this and share.
You know, there are a lot of differing opinions out there about expanding your family when you already have a child with special needs. It's a very touchy subject. Some people feel that it takes away your time and resources from your special needs child and they opt not to do it because they don't feel they can give each child what they will need. Other people feel differently and think it's great to have give your special needs child a sibling. Things get hairier when there is a genetic component to the special need. In our case, there is no denying the research that shows that siblings of ASD kids have a higher rate of being on the spectrum. I made the mistake of reading a study and it scared me. Some ASD parents have this decision taken out of their hands because they are already pregnant with their next child by the time their ASD child is diagnosed. They never had to make the decision with full knowledge of the risks. I almost envy them.
We had Lochlan's diagnosis already. But I never at any time thought we would have just one child. We've always said we wanted more than one, so stopping there was just not an option to us. But that doesn't make this any less scary. If you've read my previous blog posts, you should know where I stand on autism and what my perspective is, so I hope it doesn't shock or offend any of you when I say I really hope the autism fairy skips us this time. I am not ashamed to hope for this out loud. And if you care about us, please hope for it too. Does that mean we won't love her and accept her if it turns out she has ASD or some other disability? Let me be clear on that-- OF COURSE NOT! We are awaiting her eagerly and will welcome her with open arms into our lives and hearts no matter what.
But it's fair to say that autism is not the dream we had for Lochlan, and it is not the dream we have for this little one. We are rolling the dice with the decision to have another child (I think everyone does, really), but we look forward to the joy she will bring to our lives. Ultimately, we really believe every child is a blessing and we are so grateful to be getting another family member to love.
At the same time, I also worry about doing right by her. I worry about how we will divide our time, how we will make sure she doesn't grow up feeling sidelined by Lochlan's special needs, how to make sure she has the space, freedom, and opportunity to enjoy her own childhood, how we will try to foster a connection between the two of them, how to help her appreciate and accept her big brother for who he is and to find ways to love him as we do (and yes, I even worry- how am I ever going to manage flying with TWO children?! :)).
While teaching, I had some students over the years who have special needs siblings and these children floored me with their maturity, patience, and kindness- traits I believe they developed at an early age because of having a special needs brother or sister. I very much hope that we can raise our daughter similarly, that she will have strong character in part because of her relationship with Lochlan.
Really, friends, I have no idea what we are getting into, what is about to happen, or how our lives are about to change in a few days. I lie in bed wide awake with all these thoughts, fears, and hopes swimming around my brain. There's no crystal ball, no answers appear to me. I know we will just have to wait and see and take one day at a time.
You can see why I warned you this was a highly personal post! :) I am going to feel nervous hitting that "Publish" button.
I want to end by asking for your prayers- not only for a safe delivery and the health of our little girl, but also (and I hope this isn't selfish) prayers that we will have the strength, grace, and courage to meet whatever challenges we have lying ahead.
Every blog post needs at least one picture. ;)
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